So . . . I have not had the internet at home for 4 months and I don't have an office job and am only at school when I have classes - so waking up to an in home internet connection has seriously distracted me. I got caught up on some emails, I changed (or tried to but it is weird now) my music on myspace . . . I did lots of non-homework things. And then I started my homework . . . but 2 pages in here I am at my laptop again. See it wasn't far away because I am listening to Bach on Pandora Radio. Bach helps me study.
I will get better. I have to get ready and leave for a couple of hours but upon my return . . . there will be only studying. Why? Because it is not optional. :)
On to other matters. I have been working on centering my self a bit more - seeking some calm. I get riled up fairly easily, though less than in the past. Lately I have not guarded my tongue like I am trying and have often spoken and felt awkward after. I am not reading my companions well before I speak. Maybe it feels worse than it is but I think it feels worse because it goes against that which I am trying to do. I am trying to LISTEN. Listen to the words, the tones, the unspoken.
In part I am trying to do what I will start doing professionally in just a matter of months. So I am NOT therapizing my friends but I am thinking about who I want to be as a clinician and as a better person in this life. And part of that is being present in other people's stories.
Also I am aware of how my strong opinions or tendency to take others statements as either personal or inflamatory isn't helping anyone. Even if it is personal - well it's their choice to throw something at me, I can catch it, duck or get hit. If I catch it I can respond or let go. If I get hit, I'll get reactive or hurt or even bitter. If I duck I have let them throw into the world what they want and not let it be mine. Own what is yours, not theirs.
Also I am aware of my current fortunate situation. Sometimes I start to panic about things like school work, the economy, the presidential election and subsequent dangers to the world, and about HOW MUCH IN DEBT I am becoming (a truely staggering number that will take my lifetime or more to pay off). Other's I think of how homesick I am and how many friendships I have lost in this distance and in my letting go of them (through neglect or meanness) and for my few friendships - some being tenuous or situational - here. But in the day to day (which is what I want to be thinking about) I am blessed and the little things can bring the joy.
I have been hearing the stories of friends and family lately - there is so much pain going on. I can't really disclose much but I have a colleague whose life has turned to, well, shambles. I cannot figure how to be any help or support. I don't know who can. I have other friends and family experiencing fearful situations with loved ones and loss. I hurt for and with them and hope for healing and grace in their lives.
I am not happy because I am not in a painful place, I am thankful that right now I am where I am. Life cycles this and that way, I know that. I am gifted with a time to reflect, pray and hope for my friends and family. To take responsibility for my part in things and support others, even if it is a silent presence.
8 months ago