Thursday, June 23, 2011

Things I Forgot This Morning . . .

Lately I have a hard time remembering things. The sort of things you should not forget. And it happened again this morning . . .

Now today it is more understandable that I should forget because at 7:30 I was coming back from an hour at the gym and had not (still have not at 9:09am) gone to sleep yet. Nonetheless this is an odd and recurring problem. I . . .

I keep forgetting what season it is. Like what month we are in. I think it is fall, but then realize no, that's not it. Sometimes I will think it's winter. Also no. Spring? No. Oooohhhhh. Summer. It is June. Right. June.

How do you disconnect from what month it is?! I blame unemployment.

Sadly when I realized that I have forgotten this I thought about the fact that I had forgotten a lot of things lately, but now I cannot remember what they were.

I think I need to get some sleep . . .

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Top 8 Benefits of Depression: See! There's (almost) Always A Bright Side

Once the pathetic self-pity began to lift (okay, as it is beginning to lift) I have tried to gain some (not really) perspective & find the, er, close-to bright side of it all. That is to say that I have found some of the the perks of being pathetic & depressed.

My Top 8 Are Below (not in any particular order):

1. You get to see more sunrises. (on account of the insomnia)

2. You get a little high school summer-time flashback by sleeping until 11 or 12! (on account of the awake 'til sunrise 5 nights in a row)

3. Weight loss! I have lost at least 4 pounds in less than a week. Even if when I do eat it is primarily crap (sans Kyle making me eat real dinners most nights), I hardly eat at all - so that is a TOTAL plus. (granted I am just storing fat & losing muscle, but I have SO little muscle to lose that it has to be some of the chubbiness falling off -- so says my jeans at least)

4. You catch up on your "stories" - even if they are complete seasons of shows that you have watched over & over, it's okay! Now you can pick up on ALL the nuances you missed the first (second, or third) time(s) around!

5. You really catch up on facebook. Because there is not really enough of that in the average day, this way you can seem like the crazy status post-er that you always aspired to be.

6. (and this one is important) You renew your love for music from your youth, like listening to The Cure, Depeche Mode, & Morrisey.

7. You have more time to devote to your obsession with Nathan Fillion (or insert the name of your favorite actor).

8. You improve the healthiness of your skin & hair because you stop putting on make-up or styling your hair with product, blow drying & a straightener. (who needs that stuff when depressed? No one. It is really oxy moronic to be truly pathetic & depressed AND look nice. I guess if you're leaving the house you can smack on some lipstick, but really isn't nearly 20 years of making an effort to prettify before leaving the house enough?)

There are probably more, but all this cheeriness is really exhausting. I should save something to do at 3am.


**Like the Phoenix I'll rise again! Wait, I don't want to do that. The damn bird has to burn to death first! Although he has the whole rebirth, renewal, immortality thing going, so that's cool.**

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Lost & Found In Story

I am a lover of words. A keeper of stories. I believe we all have at least one to tell.

I sometimes wish I could live inside the stories of others, inhale their words & slip away, far from me & this landscape I often feel swallowed up in.

I’ve been lonely for much of my life, although not alone. At one point when I was nearly as alone as I was lonely, I found myself saying that it is okay to not have many friends; I have my best friend, and when that is not enough, I have Jane Austen and her stories.

See I am not a great or terribly well-read reader, but I know that books and stories are faithful friends and that you can, “put them down and they’ll wait for you forever; pay attention to them and they always love you back” (John Green). When you become both lonely and alone you learn that the words whispered onto the pages of books can be your life-line, not just to another world but even to your own.

When the walls are unscalable. When I am down to just one last string. When I need something to hold on to; something not human that will not so easily decay; I need something to hold the innermost parts of me together with the rest of the world – I know then that I need the secrets, loves, pains, joys and adventures of others. I need the “something” that exists in stories.

Friday, February 11, 2011

My New but Not Replacement Blog

I have created a new blog that does NOT replace this one, for it has a totally different purpose. It is an introduction to My Army of Imaginary Friends.

It can be found at: It can be found at:
(sorry my blog won't let me post this as a link. bad blogger! bad!)

Here is my post that explains what it is:

I have decided, well, a lot of things, but for the purposes of this page we will start with my decision to create: My Army of Imaginary Friends. MAOIF is going to be awesome. If I were the sort to use this word, and I have only ever used it as a mock or joke before, but if I WERE the sort I would say: MAOIF will be epic! It will be legendary. In fact, wait . . . I just started to build it (in my head) and it IS already awesome.

The thing about it though is that my super cool and freakishly awesome imaginary friends are "real" people, but since I don't actually know most of them, they're only "imaginary" friends.

This Army is created primarily of people who I think would:

1. Totally get my sense of humor (it's my army, so it starts with my needs)

2. Be so hilarious that they would stop all non-hilarious and sad or tragic things in the world just by their mere existence

3. Definitely be able to combine their awesome, to produce the first Puppy-Sized Elephant.

YOU may be in my army and just not know it. I am accepting recommendations for members. Currently there are only like 10 so I have some room.

And now I'll go back to my currently ├╝ber uncool life to study.

That's it! I am introducing new, or already existing and just not listed/named members when I can. Currently I have listed 4 but in only 3 announcements (posts).

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Schroedinger's Cat & My (hopeful) Completion of Grad School

If you aren't familiar with Schroedinger's Cat (SC) I will post some links, and/or you can bear with me through a weak description of it:

Schroedinger was a physicist, his theory was that something has a singular outcome IF it is observable, if it is not then it could have more than one outcome at the same time. His theory involved putting a cat in a box along with some radioactive material, and a device for detecting radiation. The device was designed to, if it sensed the decay of the radioactive material, trigger a hammer which was poised to break a flask containing hydrocyanic acid, which, when released, would kill the cat. His theory postulated that since you cannot see the cat, and cannot know if the device has triggered the hammer, the cat is both alive AND dead at the same time. (Most of this information is not my own, but taken from:

What this has to do with grad school:

The SC thought experiment came to be because of a controversy between two theories in quantum mechanics. The first is the idea (Copenhagen Interpretation) that an object can exist in multiple states at once, that is until it is observed at which point it HAS to choose one probability - one outcome. The second theory (The Many-Worlds Theory) is the idea that it can continue to exist in multiple states and the universe will just split things into many parts to accommodate all possible outcomes.

This is like my current academic, educational, life, big picture, situation. The cat is either dead or alive (one outcome), but until it is observed it is both. My career & the purpose of (insert obscene $ figure) money I spent on grad school, all the stress, friendships, bad & good things, sacrifices, and crazy AND potential for success are in the box.

Being behind on my thesis, having issues at my internship, not having a video clip that is any good, or being prepared for my licensing exam on Monday, & whether or not (on account of all of those things) I will actually get my MA in April is the possibility of my Cat being dead. My deepest fear (in this) is that my cat is dead, that it was a mistake and will not pay off and I will fail - even if I do get my degree.

BUT there is a possibility that my Cat is alive, has purpose and will end up being worthwhile (not worth the debt necessarily) but the correct pursuit of a dream.

In discussing SC with my friend, she asked why we wouldn't just make the box see- through, because it's so frustrating not knowing if the cat is dead or alive why torment ourselves when we could just look? I told her that for me I don't want to see inside the box. Well I sort of do, but since I REALLY hope my cat isn't dead, even though it often feels like it is, I want it dark, sealed and unknown. Even if that means not knowing if my cat is alive.

How do I help my cat stay alive? Where is my confidence? Is this just my crazy running out of control?

Part of me wants to say: I am GOOD at this. I must be good at some of it. However the dark cloud I feel in my gut is gnawing away at my confidence and faith. But the fact that there is something remaining for it to gnaw at is hopeful, because it means my cat may still be alive.

In my heart, I love it, I do. I want to be amazing at school counseling. I want to be the best possible counselor. I have so much to learn that it terrifies me that I won't learn enough to be successful. But I hit wall after wall. I feel stuck. And this may be why. This prime example of my negativity. The pool in which I currently swim. I MUST GET OUT OF THE POOL.

I teeter between what is my being realistic, and what is my being borderline & histrionic? What is an area I can grow in, and what is something I am just not cut out for. That's the point though right? The whole experiment of Schroedinger's Cat. We won't know until we open the box, and really instead of speculating I might as well act as if the damn cat is alive!

About Me

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Portland, OR, United States
I am a daughter, sister, friend, wife, counselor and colleague. I am a work in progress. There may be some pieces out of place and things might be messy, but it's okay. I would rather accept that I am still unfinished than think that this is it. You can find my comments on faith and spirituality on my blog: And my comments and anecdotes on life at:

Books That Matter. Well, some of the many that matter.

  • Magical Shrinking: Stumbling Through Bipolar Disorder, Chris Wells
  • Pride & Prejudice, Jane Austen
  • An Abudance of Katherines, John Green
  • Dave Pelzer
  • Franny & Zooey, J.D. Salinger
  • I Was Told There'd Be Cake, Sloane Crosley
  • The Cloister Walk, Kathleen Norris
  • The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are, Daniel J. Siegel