I found old emails that helped me understand some of the things that led to January being so bad. (Bad January began in January 2006) Emails that went much farther back than I thought, they were about my state of mind, life, marriage. About being so very broken and miserable. About being so alone. And then some after I moved to Portland - reminders that I did have a soul and wasn't horrible. Was just very, very sick and in need of help.
I wish I hadn't deleted so many things last summer. I wiped out most all of my emails predating June 2008. Like a fresh-start thing. Some old ones stuck though. Now I wish they were still here to re-read, maybe they would help me understand something. I don't know, that or hurt more. Either way, I wish I hadn't deleted them.
But I did so I can just move on. The crying will stop and real life will resume soon enough. It always does.
Think I'll open the blinds and watch the rain for a while, then read for school - it starts next week.
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