Monday, November 10, 2008

I Hate Bipolar

Current state: Freaking out
Cause: Health Insurance
Problem: Multiple.

They claim they'll pay my doctor's visit, now they won't. I have to call them and write an appeal. I have to resubmit documents previously submitted. I have to call my old insurance company. I hate calling people when I am likely to cry and get upset, possibly unreasonably so when it is not the fault of the people I will talk to.

I have to not freak out when these things come my way.

My fears:

1. Can't afford my bills
2. Can't go to the doctor
3. Can't go to the psychiatrist (which I can't find one ANYWAY since their - Aetna but the crappy student version - website had few listed and most with wrong numbers - 9 out of 11 sought out were incorrect, of the 2 I called, 1 sounded like Vincent Price and the other? Her number was wrong too but I tracked her down with a different number and she has not called back. Guess I have to call Vincent again)
4. Get a psychiatrist but cannot pay them
5. My insurance won't pay for my meds which are almost $700 without insurance ($120ish with as long as I don't want my Lunesta - but hey, not sleeping is really good for my current state anyways)
6. Will freak out more because this is a really bad month for more to go wrong
7. This will kick up an episode - I just had a mild manic one, it's Fall which is the season for episodes and I don't want to hang out at EITHER pole.

I flipped out tonight, ranting about how anyone who doesn't agree with public health care is a bastard. I targetted Kyle's aunt because she targetted me previously about how my views on public health care are limited and that I don't understand the impact it could have on people like her (people with money and property).

My flip out? I want her to look me in the eyes and tell me that I am not a valuable enough human being to deserve health care and instead it is okay for me to suffer.
I want someone to look me in the eye if they believe this. (And I won't even start how looking ME in the eye is cake considering I am a person of privilege - albeit one who will be in debt roughly the worth of a house soon - but I am an easier person, comparatively, to say this to)

I need guts to stand up for my beliefs and I think others should get them to stand up for theirs. If you really don't care about people then you should have to tell them. Dehumanize them in person.

Shoot! My thoughts are not slowing down and the crying is starting again. No no no no no no no!!!!

Wow, why do I let things like this enter into cyberspace?

No self-respect?
No discretion?
A desire to let other's know what this feels like?
A need for a community?

It is not for pity I know that. Maybe for hope? For someone to validate it (other than my wonderful boyfriend who is calm to my crazy)?

I should try to sleep . . .

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About Me

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Portland, OR, United States
I am a daughter, sister, friend, wife, counselor and colleague. I am a work in progress. There may be some pieces out of place and things might be messy, but it's okay. I would rather accept that I am still unfinished than think that this is it. You can find my comments on faith and spirituality on my blog: http://themessinessoffaith.blogspot.com/ And my comments and anecdotes on life at: http://sheisaworkinprogress.blogspot.com/

Books That Matter. Well, some of the many that matter.

  • Magical Shrinking: Stumbling Through Bipolar Disorder, Chris Wells
  • Pride & Prejudice, Jane Austen
  • An Abudance of Katherines, John Green
  • Dave Pelzer
  • Franny & Zooey, J.D. Salinger
  • I Was Told There'd Be Cake, Sloane Crosley
  • The Cloister Walk, Kathleen Norris
  • The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are, Daniel J. Siegel