I sat up in bed. I knew he was awake. Outside the window it was starting to snow. That Portland snow where nothing sticks - but from the height of this window it was as if I were somewhere else far away. The trees that tried to hide the freeway stood so silent that morning. I could feel my hair falling on my shoulders. My back was exposed and I felt him move next to me, turn to look at me, but my eyes remained fixed on the wall. There was this heavy silence. As if I were going to never forget this moment.
"Good morning beautiful," he said, my back being just beyond the reach of his hand.
"Good morning," I lay back down and turned to him. He turned to the window and I wrapped my arm over him. His skin was cool beneath my lips, he was slipping back into sleep. I was watching it snow and had a terrible feeling that this was going to be a goodbye. I watched the sky brighten, the snow fall, I pretended that this was a piece of forever, but in my heart I knew it was a lie. A loud lie.
"You're perfect," he said half asleep. I tightened my arms as my stomach knotted. I could cry, I could stand up, get dressed and leave, never looking back. I could do all of those things, I thought. Or I could stay. I could trust him. I could love him. I felt his breathe soften, he was asleep. I thought that if I stayed still perhaps I could make this last longer. This us that seemed so perfect. I kissed the back of his shoulder and whispered, "Please don't break my heart." But even as I breathed the words I knew that they were merely searching for a hope that ultimately wasn't there.
10 months ago