Confused / Heart Broken (November, 2012)

Today I am sad and angry. I hate God. I am so angry at Him. I don't care if it is rational. I don't care if some people think it's blaspheme. Because the strongest hate means that I am clinging more to Him. He is bigger than my greatest hate & like any good parent or care taker He can wait with me, in this space in between my brokenness and Him. God can let me yell or blame or cry. Let me feel so much anger and target it at Him.

I am mad at doctors and even the conceptual bigger version of the world. My father-in-law, an amazing, kind, pretty young, and healthy man, passed away this morning. I love him so much. I can't believe this. I cannot. And I cannot believe the pain that Kyle and everyone else who has been lucky enough to know him for so many years, can possibly feel. The impact from his graciousness and being such a role model of patience and peace to me, has changed parts of my heart. And that is just over a few years.
 To help me process I have to think of what I and don't know or believe.

So. I know these things:

I know life isn't fair.

I know God didn't cause this.
I know God isn't at fault.
I know that bad things happen to even the most wonderful people
I know that God & the Universe are bigger than a mortal can grasp when seeking reason
I know the 4 themes of existentialism, but not what they mean to me today
I know the 4 agreements by Ruiz, but do not know how to use them now
I know that our hearts are both fragile & strong, but broken

I don't ...

I don't believe this is part of God's plan.
I don't really believe He has a plan because I believe in free will.
I don't believe that God looked down at us today & said, "That one. That good & loving man. I'll pluck him out & take him here to me."
I don't believe that he's (my father-in-law) watching over us right now. Or I don't know about it.
I don't believe things always work out for the best.

I do ...
I do believe in love
I do believe in grace
I do believe in freedom  - of emotions, of choice, of forgiveness, of self
I do believe in healing - though not completely because I think some shards will always remain
I do believe in support
I do believe in the power of baking
I do believe in commitment
I do believe in grieving together

I mentioned a bit of this above but I am mad at the bible too.

I think the letter to the Exiles in Jeremiah 29:11-14 isn't about having some concrete plan, or about things always working out for the best. I do not want to hear that this is part of God's plan or that my father-in-law is in a better place. This was where he was supposed to be still - HERE on earth.

Grief is blinding. Grief is wounding. Grief pulls you into yourself and out of the real world. Grief embraces darkness. Grief strikes out against all joy and hope.

And that is what I feel, the strangling arms of grief constricting me - my heart, my body, my hope.

The counselor in me says that grief can be processed. That I should trust the process. That Elisabeth Kübler-Ross was right. That THIS is part of the process. This crying & denial & anger. But words of comfort will fall on deaf ears for many days - especially today. And yet I am sure they will come from my lips too. Because we want to love on each other. We want to support. And it is hard to do.

Grief is not meant to be tolerated alone. Otherwise the strength that can be saved from it will be overshadowed by the darkness inside it. Tonight I will try, so desperately, to wear the mask of a strong & supportive wife, family member & friend. I will awaken the ability to be calm in crisis. To be the person who though part of the family, I can try to be outside enough to recognize the needs of others. That I can come in and act on things. Help, hug, DO.

Because that is the role I am best at. That is who I want to be. Until I am alone, then I can return to being broken. Of course I won't pretend to be okay, or as if this has not affected me to my bones, but I will try to summon the strength. I will use my favorite quotes to propel me forward, to be stilts raising me up & keeping me above the rising pools of sorrow. The words like, "Keep calm & Carry on", and "Life is not what it's supposed to be. It's what it is. How you cope with it is what makes a difference" and Frankl, Barrie, Salinger, Austen and Green. Words to carry me through & help me HELP them.

Okay, about that verse.
Jeremiah 29:11 'For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.[b] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

I have many a sentiment on this. But I also have other things to do.

If you read this, thank you. Writing it was really helpful. That and lorazepam.

I love you my friends and family. My life is blessed by having you in it.