It is my second full week of school and last night I had an unfortunate melt down. I was working on this annoying APA conversion thing and sort of flipped out resulting in two rather important pages torn out of my APA manual and a lot of crying. Was it really just the APA? No. I am sort of in a mild career crisis - trying to quickly think if this is what I really want. I realize one should think of that BEFORE they spend quite this much money but it is only in the actual Graduate School experience can I ask: Is this what I want? Can I even DO this?
I looked at my stuff from Azusa and apparently I was kind of smart. Ok, I am smart, I know that. But I took these hard classes with what I considered to be (mostly) amazing professors and did really well. And even though I had my doubts about my ability to make it, I never doubted that it was where I belonged. Never doubted that it was RIGHT.
Is it still where I belong? I guess in some ways it is a means to an end but it is just hard because I had such an amazing experience at APU. I miss the "trinity" and the set-up and even the campus. I miss it more than I can explain. This school is not well structured and makes questionable academic decisions, there is no consistency and all in all is not what I had hoped for. I guess that is saying that I had hoped. Wasn't it in part an escape from a miserable job?
I don't know. I am trying to put this in perspective. I can probably do it - it is just hard. I mean I look at my work from 2005 (APU) and it's good. For some reason I don't remember any of it (oh right, mania is a funny thing, like a mental eraser). I see that I have written things about topics I studied last Spring here, topics that I thought I was studying for the first time - weird.
Anyhow I am in class now studying my professors: Theological Anthropology of Human Nature. It is interesting, I promise. Confusing, but interesting.
Oh maybe this is where I belong . . . who else would find this stuff interesting? Hmmm.
8 months ago